Looking back at the nightmare of discovering betrayal by the person I had thought to be the only human being in the world in which I could wholly trust, there are indeed some questions that I would ask (or ask differently) if I could go back in time. I’m sure that you have browsed through the numerous articles related to this topic so instead of repeating the baseline-go-to questions for the cheating partner, my goal is to rather take a bit of a different approach. Ready? We’ve got work to do…
Question 1. On a scale of one to ten, how happy were you with our relationship when you decided to cheat on me?
This question derives partly from having heard Ester Perel speak about cheating spouses that were actually quite happy in their relationships. How is this possible? (Side Note: I encourage you to listen to episode three where we talk about all the variables that contribute to infidelity in order to get more insight into why women cheat.)
From what I now understand after having spent years of studying the intricacies of infidelity it is safe to say that: “The shit-show of betrayal is not straight forward”. Studies done by evolutionary psychologists predicts that a man can very well be happy with his current partner yet at the same time crave sexual diversification. However it seems (at least in my case) that women could also fall into the sexual-novelty-seeking-trap from time to time.
Here’s an excerpt from The Phoenix, The Shooter and The Snake to highlight this point:
“One conversation between the two cheaters, as described by Lisa, stands out as a reminder that things are clearly more complicated at the core than is perceived on the surface: “I said to Ryan: I don’t know what I am doing… I’m happy in my marriage… and then he said: “Well… you’re obviously not as happy as you think you are.”
So without getting to deep into the science of things(that’s what the podcast is for) I think this question would be a useful one to ask in order to gage the level of perceived unhappiness and brokenness that your partner might have felt when she stepped over the cliff into the abyss of deceit.
If the answer is anything between zero and five, the conversation would probably lead into more details of what-went-wrong-where-how-and-when. If the answer is anything between six and ten it probably signals immaturity, hedonism or, God forbid, narcissism. I would see this as a massive red flag because I am yet to see a long term relationship indefinitely maintain unequivocal happiness and sexual satisfaction. It’s probably a good idea to walk away if your partner is the type of person that runs off and puts your best friend’s dick in her mouth even though the relationship was really NOT THAT BAD.
Question 2. Why do you think it seemed like betrayal was a better path rather than talking to me about how unhappy you were?
The twisted logic of betrayal often baffles the betrayed. It’s a question that haunts many victims of infidelity trauma, and it’s one that we’ve explored in depth in our conversation about all the variables that might increase the probability of infidelity occurring.
In “The Phoenix, The Shooter and The Snake,” I delve into the complex psychology behind betrayal and try to paint a holistic picture of betrayal. Understanding the mindset of the unfaithful spouse requires empathy, but it also demands a clear-eyed examination of the underlying issues. It’s not about justifying the betrayal but understanding the why. This question turns both partners’ gaze away from the idea that the faults of the betrayed was the cause of the cheating.
I’m not sure that the answer you will get could ever be 100% true. In the episodes about the brain science behind infidelity we touch on the left brain’s tendency to make sense of the actions taken that are driven by the deep unconscious mind. It’s safe to say that in most cases the unfaithful partner herself doesn’t even know why she did what she did.
I guess there is a philosophical argument to be made that she is exonerated by this “lack of free will”. However in this universe there are consequences to (and here I’d like to borrow a phrase from J. Peterson) twisting the fabric of reality… it WILL snap back at you.
Question 3. Why not rather break up with me before being unfaithful?
This question cuts to the core of the issue. Why choose deceit over honesty? Why choose a path that leads to destruction rather than a clean break? In the Phoenix Infidelity podcast, we shed more light on this perplexing question.
Why hurt? Why lie? If you have never read the book ‘Lying’ by Sam Harris I encourage you to do so. He makes impenetrable arguments of how lying is almost NEVER justified. He actually puts lying on the continuum of violence. (A Must Read)
The answer this third question often lies in fear, confusion, and a misguided belief that betrayal can be hidden forever. It’s a theme that resonates throughout “The Phoenix, The Shooter and The Snake,” reflecting the human tendency to choose the path of least resistance, even when it leads to ruin.
Statistically speaking, about a quarter of relationships involve infidelity… give or take. (It’s pretty hard to get solid data on this because, apparently, people don’t like talking about how they lied and cheated… who knew right?) Why some choose deceit over breaking up is difficult onion to peel. Watch this space because I have made it my mission to help solve this mystery.
Question 4. Are you aware of the devastatingly low probability of relationships working out when formed out of infidelity?
The question is a stark one, and it’s rooted in a painful reality that many who have experienced infidelity trauma must face. Relationships that begin with betrayal carry a burden that is often too heavy to bear. The very foundation of trust, honesty, and integrity is compromised from the start, casting a shadow that can be nearly impossible to escape.
In the world of infidelity, statistics are grim. Studies have shown that relationships formed out of infidelity have a staggering failure. (About 9 out of 10 last time I checked) The reasons are multifaceted and complex, but they often boil down to a few key factors like lack of trust, emotional baggage, social stigma and fantasy vs. reality.
I wouldn’t bet my life that these facts are enough to budge the unfaithful spouse in the right direction mainly because of the halo effect (the strong tendency to see someone as near perfect regardless of contrary evidence). But it’s a nice-to-know, sobering reality that I think is very useful in the healing process.
Question 5. Do you think deep down that I deserved to be lied to?
This question is a piercing one, probing the moral compass of the unfaithful partner. It’s a question that demands self-reflection and honesty. There are more often than not twisted justifications that cheaters often employ, revealing a complex web of self-deception and rationalization.
This question is not just a probe into the mindset of the unfaithful partner; it’s a cry from the heart of the betrayed, seeking to understand how someone they loved could deceive them so profoundly. It’s a question that echoes the pain and confusion of infidelity trauma, a wound that cuts deep and leaves lasting scars. It is more than a query; it’s a plea for understanding, a search for meaning in the chaos of betrayal. It’s a question that demands honesty, empathy, and a willingness to confront the painful truth.
I would personally use this question to probe for any science of remorse. (Something we discuss in depth in the Phoenix Infidelity Podcast and is of utmost importance if you and your partner want to reconcile. Here are a few things to take into account:
- The Psychology of Justification: Often, those who cheat find ways to justify their actions. They may convince themselves that their partner deserved to be lied to, perhaps due to perceived shortcomings or failures within the relationship. This twisted logic can be a coping mechanism, a way to reconcile the act of betrayal with their self-image.
- The Impact of Betrayal: The pain of betrayal is not merely emotional; it can have physical and psychological effects as well. Anxiety, depression, and a loss of self-esteem are common among those who have been cheated on. Understanding this impact is essential for both partners if there is to be any hope of healing.
- The Path to Healing: Asking this question can be a crucial step on the path to healing. It forces the unfaithful partner to confront their actions and the pain they have caused. It opens the door to empathy, remorse, and potentially, forgiveness.
Question 6. In a world where it would be impossible to be caught out, would you continue cheating?
A hypothetical yet profound question that exposes the true nature of the unfaithful partner. It’s a question that transcends the fear of being caught and delves into the core values and principles of the individual.
This hypothetical question is more than a mere thought experiment; it’s a probe into the very soul of the unfaithful partner. It bypasses the fear of consequences and delves into the core values, ethics, and principles that guide an individual’s actions. It’s a question that resonates with themes explored in “The Phoenix, The Shooter and The Snake” and reflects the complex nature of infidelity trauma.
Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching. This question challenges the unfaithful partner to reflect on their integrity and to consider whether their actions were driven solely by the fear of being caught or by a deeper moral compass.
Cheating is often driven by a complex interplay of desires, needs, and rationalizations. Understanding these underlying motivations is essential for both partners if they hope to heal and move forward.
Imagining a world where cheating could never be discovered forces the unfaithful partner to confront their actions without the safety net of excuses or justifications. It’s a powerful tool for self-reflection and growth.
This question is not about judgment or condemnation; it’s about understanding and growth. It’s a stepping stone on the path to healing, a chance for the unfaithful partner to reflect on their actions and for the betrayed partner to gain insight into the mind and heart of the one who betrayed them.
The question, “In a world where it would be impossible to be caught out, would you continue cheating?” is a profound one. It transcends the surface-level dynamics of betrayal and reaches into the very essence of what it means to be human. It’s a question that challenges, enlightens, and ultimately, heals.
Question 7. On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you feel about the infidelity?
Gauging remorse is essential in understanding the possibility of healing and moving forward. It’s a question that is explored in depth in our podcast, where we discuss the varying degrees of guilt and remorse that unfaithful partners may feel.
This question may seem simple on the surface, but it opens a complex dialogue about responsibility and the potential for forgiveness. It’s a question that reflects the multifaceted nature of infidelity trauma. This question is not just about assessing blame or measuring guilt; it’s about opening a dialogue that can lead to forgiveness. It’s a stepping stone on the path to healing, a chance for both partners to understand each other’s pain and to work together to rebuild trust.
Remorse is not a binary emotion; it exists on a spectrum. This question challenges the unfaithful partner to quantify their feelings, to place a numerical value on something as intangible as guilt. It’s a task that requires introspection and honesty.
The answer to this question can provide valuable insights into the mindset of the unfaithful partner. A low number may indicate a lack of empathy or understanding, while a high number may signal genuine remorse and a desire to make amends.
On a side note: Guilt can be both a barrier and a bridge to healing. It can paralyze and punish, or it can motivate and mend. Understanding the role of guilt in the unfaithful partner’s psyche is crucial for both partners as they navigate the storm of infidelity.
The question, “On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you feel about the infidelity?” is a powerful one. It transcends the surface-level dynamics of betrayal and reaches into the very heart of what it means to feel remorse, to take responsibility, and to seek forgiveness. It’s a question that challenges, enlightens, and ultimately, heals.
Question 8. Imagine you get granted the power to go back in time… What would you have done differently?
Leaning a bit towards bargaining as explained in the stage of grief (see the Kübler-Ross model)… This question invites the unfaithful partner to step into a world of imagination and reflection. It’s a question that transcends the painful reality of betrayal and offers a chance for both partners to explore the possibilities of what could have been.
Reflection is an unavoidable and perhaps crucial step in the healing process. This question encourages the unfaithful partner to look back, to consider their actions, and to imagine a different path. It’s an exercise in empathy, responsibility, and growth.
By imagining a world where you could go back and make different choices, the unfaithful partner is forced to confront the consequences of her actions. It’s a chance to recognize the pain she has caused and to articulate the lessons she has learned.
We should recognize that healing includes reflection and a willingness to confront the painful truths of betrayal. This question is not just about regret; it’s about redemption. It’s a chance for the unfaithful partner to articulate their understanding of their actions and their commitment to making amends. It’s a stepping stone on the path to healing, a chance for both partners to rebuild trust and move forward together.
Finally, this question also speaks to the human capacity for change. It recognizes that people can learn from their mistakes, that they can grow and evolve. It’s a message of hope, a reminder that the past does not have to define the future.
The question, “Imagine you get granted the power to go back in time… What would you have done differently?” is a profound one. It invites introspection, understanding, and growth. It’s a question that challenges, enlightens, and ultimately, heals.
Question 9. Can you try and express what you think I must be feeling after having discovered that you lied and cheated behind my back?
By now you would have picked up on the resounding theme of how important remorse is in the dark maze of betrayed trust…
Empathy is a crucial component of healing. This question challenges the unfaithful partner to step into the shoes of the betrayed, to truly understand the depth of pain and betrayal. It’s a question that demands understanding and a willingness to confront the painful reality of the hurt they have caused.
The pain of betrayal is profound and multifaceted. It’s not just the act of cheating but the lies, the deceit, and the shattered trust that cuts deep. This question invites the unfaithful partner to articulate this pain, to give voice to the silent suffering of the betrayed.
In “The Phoenix, The Shooter and The Snake,” I explore the human capacity for empathy and the healing power of understanding. Keep in mind that these signs of remorse might well fade away just as quickly as they arose.
An excerpt from the book illustrates this point:
“The two fall onto the bed, maintaining their tight embrace, and then something strange happens… As the power struggle turns in Ethan’s favour he feels a sudden shot of negative emotion as he is hit with the reality of the injustice of the betrayal. It’s a strange and unexpected shift in dynamic that sets in at the moments when he is less concerned about losing Lisa and more concerned with seeking justice for himself. The warm and loving stare between the two turn into something dark and dubious. A type of non-verbal foreshadowing that predicts a long and tedious healing process. Not one word is spoken but if Ethan’s eyes could talk they would have said: “You f*cking betrayer! We go through a three minute crisis and then you decide to sh*t all over sixteen years of trust and commitment. We have a few disagreements and then you decide to put my best friend’s d*ck in your mouth. How the hell am I ever supposed to forget what you did? How the hell am I ever supposed to trust you again?” Lisa’s openness evaporates at the blink of Ethan’s judgemental eyes. Her emotional walls of defence are raised higher than ever as she realises that the road ahead is filled with moments of understanding and forgiveness followed by moments of judgement and regret. Ethan would forever wonder if this was the last straw to break the proverbial camel’s back. Perhaps that was the exact instant at which Lisa realised, albeit unconsciously, that the infamous “Stare of Blame” Ethan got from his parents was going to keep popping up during the months and years as an unwelcome reminder of her sins. Perhaps her need for escaping this feeling of shame she feels at the sight of “The Stare” would be her main motivator to give up on their future together. Perhaps…”
The question, “Can you try and express what you think I must be feeling after having discovered that you lied and cheated behind my back?” is a profound one. It is not just about understanding; it’s about connection. It’s a chance for the unfaithful partner to show that they truly care, that they are willing to see beyond their own needs and desires and to recognize the humanity of the one they have hurt. It’s not easy to truly understand another’s pain, especially when you are the cause of that pain. It’s a task that requires courage, humility, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. It’s a question that invites introspection, compassion, and connection. It’s a question that challenges, enlightens, and ultimately, heals.
Question 10. How the Fuck do you propose that I ever trust you again? Or put differently; what are you willing to do in order to regain my trust?
This final question is a raw and visceral cry from the heart of the betrayed. It’s a question that cuts to the core of the relationship, challenging the unfaithful partner to articulate how they plan to rebuild what has been shattered.
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and once broken, it is incredibly difficult to rebuild. This question demands that the unfaithful partner not only recognize the enormity of their betrayal but also articulate a concrete plan for rebuilding trust.
Words alone are not enough to heal the wounds of betrayal. This question challenges the unfaithful partner to move beyond apologies and promises and to commit to tangible actions that demonstrate their commitment to change.
On the podcast we discuss the challenges and rewards of rebuilding trust and the importance of action, transparency, and consistency. We recognize that rebuilding trust is a complex and challenging process, and we offer resources and community for those on this journey.
This question is not just about anger or condemnation; it’s about redemption. It’s a chance for the unfaithful partner to demonstrate their commitment to change, to show that they are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and heal the relationship. It also speaks to the human capacity for forgiveness. It recognizes that while betrayal is painful and trust is hard to rebuild, it is not impossible. With effort, commitment, and love, trust can be restored, and relationships can heal.
The question, “How the Fuck do you propose that I ever trust you again? Or put differently; what are you willing to do in order to regain my trust?” is a powerful one. It’s a question that demands honesty, action, and commitment. Here is a link to a J Peterson video I think is worth watching should you consider taking the thorn-ridden road of rebuilding trust. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzUqeuvAcC8)
In conclusion, I don’t think that these 10 questions are the beginning and end of this painful process and I hope that you find the answers you need (not necessarily want) to fully heal from infidelity trauma. We are here for you so just head to https://phoenixinfidelity.com/ and make contact with us should you feel like you need a phoenix to talk to.
Good luck brothers and stay strong…. We’ve got work to do!